Part way through our second week here, something snapped. I think it had been brewing just beneath the surface since shortly after we arrived on the Island, but it came out last week. One afternoon an impending, "WHAT ON EARTH HAVE WE DONE!?" moment set it.
The walls of the condo started closing in on me. I felt confined, trapped, suffocated, like a caged animal. And along came all the restlessness, anxiety and agitation that you can imagine would come along with that kind of situation.
I longed for the ability to have my kids just say, "Im going outside mom!" and then open the door to run free on our ample green lawn, build forts in the woods and jump some energy out on the trampoline.
I longed for the ability to have my kids just say, "Im going outside mom!" and then open the door to run free on our ample green lawn, build forts in the woods and jump some energy out on the trampoline.
Here, going out is a production. Have we lathered on our toxic death cream? 'Cause we'll burn in 2 seconds flat if we haven't. Do we have any and all gear we'll need for the beach? Did we lock the condo? Do I have the keys? And then when we get outside, we're blasted with the NOISE! people, cars, buses, obnoxiously loud motorcycles, air brakes, sirens, trucks beeping, people honking. Its like a slap in the face each time we open those doors to the outside world. Then there's the super fun walk to..... anywhere. "Hold my hand." "Josiah, next to me please." "Stay to the right so people can pass." "ELLA! CAR! watch. out. You HAVE to look!" "Stay in front of me so I can see you." "Come, on. Hurry up, before the light turns red again." "No we're not buying that. No you can't have that. No we don't need to rent that." Exhausting.
And if those children argue over who gets to push the flipping elevator button one. more. time. I'm gonna flip my flip. Seriously.
I long for wide open spaces. I miss peace and quiet. My heart breaks each time we pass the harbor littered with filthy trash or walk down the street, through a park... wherever and my children ask, "Why do people just throw their trash here?" ...and I have a sinking feeling that I'm powerless to change that. My lungs need to open wide and breath fresh air. My mind needs to fall asleep and wake up to the sound of crickets and peepers instead of sirens, horns, engines and tour buses of screeching tourists.
If I had a penny for every-time I've said, "Would you do this in school? Would you act that way in school? Would you speak that way to Mrs. Akerberg?" I'd be a rich, rich woman. (Have I told you lately how grateful I am for Mrs. Akerberg and our wonderful Seacoast Christian School!?) Lets just say, my desire to NEVER home-school my little love that is so much like me has thus been confirmed!
If I had a penny for every-time I've said, "Would you do this in school? Would you act that way in school? Would you speak that way to Mrs. Akerberg?" I'd be a rich, rich woman. (Have I told you lately how grateful I am for Mrs. Akerberg and our wonderful Seacoast Christian School!?) Lets just say, my desire to NEVER home-school my little love that is so much like me has thus been confirmed!
I miss being able to get groceries when I want to. I miss understanding what people say when I ask for directions and they tell me a street name. Every single word starts with a K or an A and has approximately 1 million vowels all strung together. The way I would pronounce them is clearly wrong and so when someone else says a street name I clearly don't understand which one they are saying. (Examples: Kamehamea, Kaihuopalaai, Kaukonahua) Say those ten times fast! I'm not making these up. Really. Im not.
I miss having my own car and being able to go where I want when I want. Being restricted to bus schedules and routes is hard. It stresses me out every-time we attempt public transit. First of all I'm not sure if I'm taking the right route to get to where I want to go. Then I'm not sure if I'm at the right bus stop. Once on the bus I'm not sure which stop to get off at to transfer to the next bus. And it takes forever. We went to a home school co-op field trip today and it took us over and hour to get to a place that is a 15 minute drive by car. Then it took us an hour and a half to get home because the bus back only comes by every 30 minutes.
I feel most helpless when tears stream down my Ella's face and she whispers, "I miss my friends." Which happens a few days a week. We're trying. We're reaching out... at church, at the library, at home-school co-op. But we're limited by no car and most people live outside the city and aren't interested in coming in. And she's pretty painfully shy when it comes to making new friends here... which is proving tough to do when we're just "passing through". People seem to have their people already and aren't super interested in investing in someone who's only going to be here 3 months.
It all just kind of hit me at once. I began to seriously question my sanity in bringing the kids for so long. I was truly doubting if we could make it here for 3 months in the city. So I did the natural thing... and relied totally on my own feelings. I got quiet and moody. My stress and anxiety ended up coming out on my family. I isolated and slept a lot on just a few short days. And poured over condo listings far, far away from here, dreaming of the ability to move to the Hawaiian country! (Lets just say.... not gonna happen... $$$$$)
Then, as usual, I snapped out of it. I prayed and turned it over to God. I talked it out with Jason. I talked to the kids. I turned my perspective around and started making plans. Is it different? Yes. Is it hard? Yes. But different and hard are GOOOOOD. They grow us, they stretch us, they teach us. They shine light on our complacency and the things we take for granted and make us so much more grateful. They give us glimpses into what others do and how others live every single day... not just for a summer. They grow our mind, our heart, our spirit.... if we let them. And so we will choose to let them change us... for the better.
Anytime we are feeling down or frustrated or homesick, we can ALWAYS turn it around and find the good, the positive, the adventure. We can always find things to be grateful for. And we are choosing to do that and asking the Lord to anchor those things in our hearts. We are, and plan to continue, getting out to a library and a home-school co-op activity each once a week. Have a few beach days and a stay in and chill day, and reserve the weekend for adventuring. We made a summer bucket list for Hawaii that we are steadily checking off. We read A LOT. We went on Craigslist and got a CHEAP jogging stroller and SUPER cheap little razor scooter for Ella so that we can expand our walking radius... and fun factor! We continue to explore using the bus and we're determined to know the system and the road name/languages like the back of our hand before we leave!
I'm sure there will be more "moments". But I feel like I've had my decent sized panic and freak out and worked through it. I feel confident we can not only make it for 3 months but really enjoy it and learn and grown... even if we are in the city! I am grateful for this opportunity and know that God has a purpose for us and through us here! Thanks for letting me keep in real!
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